| so very lost |
[Jun. 23rd, 2005|01:39 am] |
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how could i have strayed so very far? |
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| it's over |
[Nov. 3rd, 2004|12:31 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | deflated | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Hail to the Chief | ] |
Well, it's finally over. I'm shocked and so incredibly disappointed in this country that I can't even begin to feel anger.
But let me say this, Thank you Kerry. You lost the popular vote and you're going to conceed without proof of losing the electoral vote, as W should have done in 2000. The people are supposed to be the voice of this country. They spoke in record numbers and you are bowing to their wishes. If W had done the right thing 4 years ago, we might not be in the mess we're in now.
America, America. Your true colors are shining through. I have never been more disgusted by my birthplace.
As the reality of this sets in, I will have so very much more to say. But for now, it's over. |
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| an update, such as it is. |
[Sep. 14th, 2004|05:01 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Heart's Bad Animals | ] |
I can't remember who, but someone once said that all lifeforms must choose between boredom and suffering. I do believe that my subconscious has chosen boredom.
It seems that I rarely have anything at all to report. And when I get sick of whining about all of the things that aren't really bad enough to whine about, and feigning excitement over the things that aren't really worth the excitement, I just stop talking altogether. So that's where I've been for the last month. Living the routine.
Now that the crises seem to have passed and I'm settling back down into standard mode, I realize that I really miss the emotionally charged nature of it all. In youth, each experience feels new and intense. When we are very young, boys and girls 'date' each other for a week at a time, mostly for the drama of the 'break up'. Later, when the conflict between parents and hormones comes to a head, there are times when many of us teeter on the edge of homelessness.
Flash forward ten years and each day bleeds endlessly into the next. There are no long late night phone calls filled with laughter and speculation. There is no cafeteria filled with friends, roommates, and ex-lovers. What remains is an outline of life: jobs to provide us with the money that keeps the lights on, apartments that require far more maintenance than we ever dreamed possible, relationships that provide someone to eat with and fuck, even if it's all done in near-silence.
Now Maki and I didn't stop talking because something was wrong. It was because nothing was wrong, and it left nothing to talk about. I love my friends and they know it. But when you've got nothing to say, why waste everyone's time?
And when you can't stand the routine of it all, is it so wrong to get the blood going again? Why not pick fights? Isn't it better to feel something, even something painful, rather than emptiness? Why not satisfy a thirst for action? When you spend your formative years literally submerged in conflict, doesn't it make sense to become a drama queen?
Sometimes, it seems like the fastest way to feel better is to let a semi-insane passion take over. You find something you don't like, say war or homophobia, and you turn it into the thing you can't tolerate. You jump on people who slip up around you, attacking as though you believe they really meant it THAT way. You pretend to care more than you actually do because you desperately need to feel the conflict. And when you go overboard and really piss someone off, you have the distinct pleasure of guilt and apprehension. You must apologize, and even that is a thrill.
In Fforde's The Well of Lost Plots, the protagonist encounters a group of generic characters within the pages of a childrens' novel that ritually coerce stray passersby into marraige and then kill them. Apparently, these Generics, forced to live the same provincial story over and over again, literally get off on the emotion created by closely following a wedding with a funeral.
I suppose then, that I have become a Generic.
Hell, at least I'm capitalized. |
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| just updates... |
[Jul. 28th, 2004|01:50 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  relaxed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Mirrorball, Sarah McLachlan | ] |
Mom is in some pain from the surgery. the incision was through her belly, so everything hurts, since even breathing contracts your diaphragm. But otherwise she's okay and her doctor has prescribed six weeks of recuperation, so her company can just fuck off.
Although I know that her biopsy isn't scheduled until next week sometime, I STILL haven't been able to reach Tara. This is pretty typical for us as our schedules don't seem to give us much of a chance to talk. It's just that it's a real worry right now. And my mother doesn't know any more than I do... Scary.
Incidentally, yesterday marked two years that Maki and I have been together. We only got to spend about half an hour of it with one another and it was the very cranky half an hour of driving him into work at 7 AM. Neither of us had realized at that hour what the date was and I didn't get home until after midnight. So, no smoochies on my anniversary. :(
*sigh* but I woke up today with a tremendous sense of power. Seeing as I have been feeling like the universe is preparing for something big lately and being intimidated by what I felt was a lack of preparation on my part, having a sudden drunken sense of power is really nice. I'm not sure yet what's going on, but I'm hoping that with the help of some friends maybe all this anxiety can play out into something wonderful.
that's all for now! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 24th, 2004|12:11 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  relieved | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | well, mostly relieved | ] |
mom is okay. she made it through surgery this afternoon and she's apparently recovering well. i don't have any details yet but hope to have some soon.
still haven't been able to have an actual conversation with my cousin, though. |
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| waiting... |
[Jul. 23rd, 2004|01:17 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | WDUQ--news, jazz, and NPR | ] |
i'm waiting for a phone call from my dad to tell me things are ok with my mom. he should have called a while ago. on the other hand, i've had an entire pot of coffee and no food, so i could just be high.
still, i wish he would call.
i mean, i'm not terribly patient when my mother is conscious and healthy; how can anyone expect me to quietly bide the time away when I know that she's in surgery?
i'm typing too fast. i want a cigarette. but i'm not giving in--not to despair, not to nicotine.
i just need to wait. |
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| A response... |
[Jul. 22nd, 2004|01:13 pm] |
The following is in response to the most recent post in http://www.livejournal.com/users/kythrain/
I wasn't, but that's not the point. 98% have or do. Is it really fair to say that 98% of our children are criminals?
No.
Has the "War on Drugs" done any good for our country?
No.
Has it cost a lot in money, resources, energy, and lives?
Yes.
I'm proud of you, Tim, for your strength in avoidance of the teenage peer pressures that first lead people to try drugs. But the fact is that it's parenting and self-esteem that save kids. Not prohibition. |
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| here's the thing... |
[Jul. 22nd, 2004|12:57 pm] |
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It doesn't matter if you're right or wrong. It only matters that you think and feel and try to find truth. |
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| A Republican Today |
[Jul. 22nd, 2004|12:38 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Leah Andreone | ] |
To get my mind off my sorrow, I thought I'd get political for a moment.
A friend of mine sent this to me and I thought it was hysterical. As a registered republican who can't understand how the party went so VERY wrong, I feel that it is my duty to spread it around.
By the by, I welcome questions about how a hippie-witch-nature-lovin'-bisexual-non-capitalist-artist like myself came to register as a Republican in the first place, but I won't bore with the story of my idealism without first being asked.
"Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.
You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant." |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 22nd, 2004|12:29 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | disconsolate | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the servers | ] |
Tara may have cancer now too. I've just learned through a voicemail that she has to have a biopsy. I can barely see this screen through my tears. Please send your love and energy to my cousin. I cannot lose her. |
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| she should be fine |
[Jul. 21st, 2004|12:21 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  angry | ] |
My mother is having surgery on Friday to remove the risk that some pre-cancerous growths harbored in her colon may become cancerous. She has told me not to worry and to avoid thinking about it as my distrust for the medical industry will surely cause me to imagine the worst. I have tried. But as the time draws close I ask my friends and fans to send whatever blessings, prayers, or wishes they see fit to ensure her a safe procedure and a quick recovery.
She should be fine.
I spoke with a friend about it and, without knowing, chose the right person. J, as it turns out, had a similar scare 6 years ago in her uterus.
She's fine now. Well mostly.
Here's something that working for a managed care journal had not taught me: a woman who is deemed of child-bearing age cannot be covered for elective hysterectomy even when it is in the best interest of her health that she have one. Because they were not allowed to cause damage to or remove the organ, J's doctors had to freeze the potentially cancerous cells--a painful process that limits but does not eliminate the risk of cancerous growth. It also makes it difficult, but not impossible, for her to become pregnant. Which is kind of helpful because, as it turns out, gestation could trigger the cancer to begin growing again. So she really shouldn't have children anyway; sadly, the argument makes no impact on the insurance companies that continue to deem her of child-bearing age and refuse to eliminate the risk altogether.
She should be fine.
Assuming the condom never breaks while her body's hormones reach raging levels due to the well-documented bio-social reaction to spending time with a friend's or family member's baby. And I imagine that this happens to her quite a bit as she is roughly the age when it seems that EVERYONE has a baby. Yeah, it's unlikely, but it's possible and if the bureaucratic gentlemen at AETNA and others would take their heads out of their asses they might see that this, too, should be OUR choice. But never mind.
She should be fine.
How can I not worry about my mother, surrounded by only my brothers and going under a man's knife, when it's so obvious that doctors and insurance companies don't like or don't care about women and that men can't see that. If it's more important to preserve the woman's reproductive organs than to preserve the woman, what is their thinking about women who have passed their childbearing years? Throughout history, we've had the Burning Times, when people, primarily women who were no longer an asset to society (read as: widows, spinsters, and post-menopausal women), were branded witches and burned, pressed, or drowned. Now we have managed care.
But never mind.
She should be fine. |
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| only gold can stay |
[Jul. 21st, 2004|10:47 am] |
That's one of my favorite lines from Frost. And if you don't know Robert Frost, you should read some because he's a gem of American Literature. But the line refers to aging in many settings. In nature, gold lasts longer than green. Green things are fresh, exciting, and new. But they quickly fade and all that's left is the warm and comfortable gold. It's why we become creatures of habit.
And it's why friendships of convenience cannot last. Certainly, if the two individuals concerned have common interests, if they might have been friends even without existing circumstance, then theirs can hardly be called a friendship of convenience. But when two people spend time together because they live nearby one another or because the people they live with are best friends, it's unlikely that the friendship will ever golden.
I'm writing this because I've broken up with a friend. We had very little to talk about and she aggravated me frequently. There should have been a more graceful exit. I had prepared to talk to her over a dinner that I was making for the four of us about how little we had in common. I thought we might enjoy one another's company a great deal more if we didn't constantly harass one another by telephone, or heap guilt upon each other because work schedules or family commitments or just a shear desire to do something for ourselves prevented us from spending time together. I had planned to say that maybe we should only get together as couples, since that was how we best related anyway. But when I told her that I didn't also have time to go out to lunch with her on the day I had planned to make dinner, she angrily called off the dinner and said some very rude things to me.
So I packed up the dinner ingredients, did some laundry and cuddled with Maki, trying very hard to get rid of the fuming in the pit of my stomach. I asked him again if it would cause problems for him and Jon if I were no longer to spend time with her and he said of course not. In the meantime, she called three or four more times and sent a text message (unsigned--so now I know who was sending all those weird messages all along) with a very insincere apology that basically read, 'I'm too tired to fight, so let's drop it.'
I was still angry and not ready to speak to her and as I didn't want to say anything rash I elected not to respond immediately. I went to work the next day and when I left, four more calls from her were in my missed call log. I went home to make dinner, finish the laundry and freshen up the house. Just as I was getting comfortable enough to speak with her, I learned that she had asked Maki what my 'problem' was.
My anger renewed I made my first real mistake--I picked up the phone. She answered with a tone of voice that said, 'i'm going to wait until you're done and then decide whether or not I will forgive you.' I wanted to laugh. I told her what my problem was without bothering to censor myself. Then I told her that I didn't want to see her again and that she should not call me anymore.
She still hasn't stopped calling. It's harassment and if it weren't for the fact that I love Maki and he loves his best friend, I'd be researching my legal rights right about now.
But that's what happens to green things. Sometimes they age and golden and sometimes the caterpillars eat nasty holes all through them and they rot.
Now a golden friendship is different. When I spend time with Mary, we connect on a level beyond gender. We have spiritual conversations. When I disappeared from Sarah's life for a few months to help my green friend with her wedding and to deal with some personal issues, Sarah expressed her concern, and then waited for me to return. My cousin Tara and I lose touch for weeks at a time, but we always come back to one another, strong as ever. And on my last visit home, while I was sitting on a creamy couch in Kim's living room, I chatted effortlessly with my college friends about every imaginable topic. Theresa, whom I haven't seen for two years, laughed with me just like we were still roommates. Matt maintained his Oz-like content while Kim bounced around room and conversation like Tigger. Steev and Suzie brightened conversation with their energetic personalities as their daughter gave us all a comical look of disinterest. And as the sun cast glittering rays through the floor-to-ceiling living room window, I cast my eyes around the room and let them rest on each of these people, bronzing in the light. These friendships are golden. |
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| long time, no see |
[Jun. 27th, 2004|08:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  busy | ] |
MArch 25! Was that really the last time I posted? Well, I'm sincerely sorry to everyone who's been wondering what's up with little old me.
So to update: Maki and I are fixing up our first apartment together and intend to move in when we return from New Jersey on the 6th of July. The place is really looking great. Our living room/bedroom is decorated in shades of sable and chocolate with a very light beige brightening it a bit. Our kitchen will be separated from the living room by a white curtain. The kitchen is such a jewel! We replaced the back wall and the floor, painted the cabinetry and the walls, and are going to be adding a breakfast bar and a shelf. The walls are a bright tealy blue, the trim is a crisp white, and the cabinet doors and drawers are a happy poppy purple. The third room, which was meant to be a bedroom but will not be due to the irrational whirring of the computers that it will house, has come to be known as the hobby room. There we will have all of Maki's computer stuff, all of my crafting stuff (and Crafting stuff), my manuscripts and desk. This room will also serve as storage for clothing as our bedroom is also our living room. The hobby room has white trim, a celedon ceiling, mossy walls, two big windows and a very nice closet. We've lain new flooring there as well. A creek runs behind and below the backyard so that you can always hear the rush of water. Next summer, we're going to tackle the outside; fix the patio and the backyard, and start throwing legendary barbecues. The yard even now is private enough for practicing out doors and NOTHING could have me more excited!
For those of you who are wondering, Maki keeps urging me to agree to a JP wedding. I'm holding out for a chance to have all of my family and friends together for the first (and probably only) time in our lives. But yes, we're talking. And before you ask, I chose furniture over a ring--that's why.
I'm working more hours at the store now. And I'm really happy because I discovered that two of the women I work with are actually kind of like-minded. (Until recently, it had seemed to me that, like most of this area, the people at work were preaching conventional 'family' values by day while living in country style debauchery by night. But I was wrong. YEA!) The three of us--Jen, Jenelle, and myself, went out for a laser show (Depeche Mode has rocked my world since seventh grade), some drinks and a little dancing the other night and ended up back at Jen's at two in the morning watching Sex and the City on DVD (funnier than I ever realized) and eating pizza. Jen's fiancee, David, is overseas in Iraq and I've been making blessings for him everyday. (Please contribute yours to David and all of the other men and women sent to do dangerous jobs in such a treacherous time and place.) Meanwhile on the homefront, Jenelle's fiancee, John, recently lost his IT job to outsourcing. Maki's working on helping him find a job at UPMC.
Brian Jay graduated from high school!!!!!!! I cannot tell you how much it hurt not to be there to watch him. But then I remembered how much I hated everyone swooning over me on my graduation days and I got over it. I hope he'll seriously consider coming out here to visit with us for a while. I think Brian would like Pittsburgh and there are tons of schools for him to choose from, if he decides he wants to go for a Bachelor's. Right now he's planning to figure out what he wants to do by spending a year at MCCC. We are having a party for him on the 3rd at my parents' house.
Paul, well, I'll be honest. I haven't got a clue. Paul's always done his own thing and I like to let him cause he always comes out alright and it makes for great stories! Maybe I'll have one after this trip home.
Mom and Dad--you know what, another time. It's just too much to go into right now.
MAry's going to Scotland; Dan and Joc are happily co-habitating; John, Cathy, and Noel seem okay most of the time, despite an incredibly rocky start. Sadly it's been a while since I spoke to many of my other friends, including two of those I spoke about in my politico-emotional diatribe on abortion. I'm hoping that all is well and that when I get back to my real life (read as: when the painting FINALLY ends) we will all be happily chatty again.
My love to all and to all a good night! |
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| OOps! |
[Mar. 25th, 2004|03:14 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Once More, With Feeling | ] |
In the emotional mess that was yesterday I forgot to post a very important message:
Happy Birthday to Alyson Hannigan!!!!! Woo hoo! Hope Alexis showed you a great day! |
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| Little Sicky, Rachel, and Faith |
[Mar. 23rd, 2004|03:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  groggy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Braveheart is on TV! | ] |
Yeah, I'm sick. A little cranky too. I took the day off from work to try and get better.
And since I was home, I decided to try to catch up on some computer stuff. So I wandered over to my friend Rachel's blog on her website at http://phoenixfeather.net/
Rachel's got some great stuff up, so I thought I'd spread the word. She's currently living with her partner, Kevin, in San Francisco. She's spending this time as an amateur photographer, a people-watcher, and a student of ballroom and Ceili dancing. She's also beginning to discover politics and the guidance she's receiving from others is really solid and important in such a turbulant election year. So check out her site.
On another note, Prufrock and I celebrated a quiet Ostara on Saturday, thanking Danu for the gentle warming of the Earth. Maki was an unwitting celebrant himself, as we followed our luncheon with a bit of Spring Cleaning. *giggle* But thinking about the holiday made me feel a little guilty. Ever since I've gone back to work I have not been the best little witch. I always feel tired and never seem to have the time to devote to my study.
Of course, it's counterintuitive because I always feel more energized after study. It's like exercise. You know it makes you feel better, but you use not feeling well as an excuse. So anyway, I've determined that I have to become more disciplined. At the very least, I want to do at least one meditative exercise each day.
So all you Wiccans and Pagans and Druids and other like-minded, open-hearted, spiritually-entuned people out there, I'd love to hear any ideas you might have. How do you balance ancient inspirations with modern living? Do you have any favorite meditations or special tools that help you? Let me know! |
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| Hello, out there! |
[Mar. 20th, 2004|05:17 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | relaxed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Little Earthquakes, Tori Amos | ] |
At the urging of my real-life friend Maritas, I have finally set up an account. To speak truthfully, my time on the computer is rather sporadic and I'm not entirely sure that I'll be able to update on a regular basis. But I am interested in meeting new people around the world, so I thought I'd give it a shot.
Anyway, today was a day off. Maki and I went out to lunch at a great restaurant on the South Side (Pittsburgh, that is) called Mallorca. It was a lovely Spanish restaurant with tasteful decor and fabulous paella. And Sangria. *grin* Yum! Highly recommended to other 'Burghers.
Otherwise, we've just been hanging around the house, playing with my darling Prufrock and the computers.
Hmmph... well, that was dull. Check back soon and I promise there will be something more interesting. |
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