| so very lost |
[Jun. 23rd, 2005|01:39 am] |
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how could i have strayed so very far? |
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| it's over |
[Nov. 3rd, 2004|12:31 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | deflated | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Hail to the Chief | ] |
Well, it's finally over. I'm shocked and so incredibly disappointed in this country that I can't even begin to feel anger.
But let me say this, Thank you Kerry. You lost the popular vote and you're going to conceed without proof of losing the electoral vote, as W should have done in 2000. The people are supposed to be the voice of this country. They spoke in record numbers and you are bowing to their wishes. If W had done the right thing 4 years ago, we might not be in the mess we're in now.
America, America. Your true colors are shining through. I have never been more disgusted by my birthplace.
As the reality of this sets in, I will have so very much more to say. But for now, it's over. |
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| an update, such as it is. |
[Sep. 14th, 2004|05:01 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Heart's Bad Animals | ] |
I can't remember who, but someone once said that all lifeforms must choose between boredom and suffering. I do believe that my subconscious has chosen boredom.
It seems that I rarely have anything at all to report. And when I get sick of whining about all of the things that aren't really bad enough to whine about, and feigning excitement over the things that aren't really worth the excitement, I just stop talking altogether. So that's where I've been for the last month. Living the routine.
Now that the crises seem to have passed and I'm settling back down into standard mode, I realize that I really miss the emotionally charged nature of it all. In youth, each experience feels new and intense. When we are very young, boys and girls 'date' each other for a week at a time, mostly for the drama of the 'break up'. Later, when the conflict between parents and hormones comes to a head, there are times when many of us teeter on the edge of homelessness.
Flash forward ten years and each day bleeds endlessly into the next. There are no long late night phone calls filled with laughter and speculation. There is no cafeteria filled with friends, roommates, and ex-lovers. What remains is an outline of life: jobs to provide us with the money that keeps the lights on, apartments that require far more maintenance than we ever dreamed possible, relationships that provide someone to eat with and fuck, even if it's all done in near-silence.
Now Maki and I didn't stop talking because something was wrong. It was because nothing was wrong, and it left nothing to talk about. I love my friends and they know it. But when you've got nothing to say, why waste everyone's time?
And when you can't stand the routine of it all, is it so wrong to get the blood going again? Why not pick fights? Isn't it better to feel something, even something painful, rather than emptiness? Why not satisfy a thirst for action? When you spend your formative years literally submerged in conflict, doesn't it make sense to become a drama queen?
Sometimes, it seems like the fastest way to feel better is to let a semi-insane passion take over. You find something you don't like, say war or homophobia, and you turn it into the thing you can't tolerate. You jump on people who slip up around you, attacking as though you believe they really meant it THAT way. You pretend to care more than you actually do because you desperately need to feel the conflict. And when you go overboard and really piss someone off, you have the distinct pleasure of guilt and apprehension. You must apologize, and even that is a thrill.
In Fforde's The Well of Lost Plots, the protagonist encounters a group of generic characters within the pages of a childrens' novel that ritually coerce stray passersby into marraige and then kill them. Apparently, these Generics, forced to live the same provincial story over and over again, literally get off on the emotion created by closely following a wedding with a funeral.
I suppose then, that I have become a Generic.
Hell, at least I'm capitalized. |
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| just updates... |
[Jul. 28th, 2004|01:50 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  relaxed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Mirrorball, Sarah McLachlan | ] |
Mom is in some pain from the surgery. the incision was through her belly, so everything hurts, since even breathing contracts your diaphragm. But otherwise she's okay and her doctor has prescribed six weeks of recuperation, so her company can just fuck off.
Although I know that her biopsy isn't scheduled until next week sometime, I STILL haven't been able to reach Tara. This is pretty typical for us as our schedules don't seem to give us much of a chance to talk. It's just that it's a real worry right now. And my mother doesn't know any more than I do... Scary.
Incidentally, yesterday marked two years that Maki and I have been together. We only got to spend about half an hour of it with one another and it was the very cranky half an hour of driving him into work at 7 AM. Neither of us had realized at that hour what the date was and I didn't get home until after midnight. So, no smoochies on my anniversary. :(
*sigh* but I woke up today with a tremendous sense of power. Seeing as I have been feeling like the universe is preparing for something big lately and being intimidated by what I felt was a lack of preparation on my part, having a sudden drunken sense of power is really nice. I'm not sure yet what's going on, but I'm hoping that with the help of some friends maybe all this anxiety can play out into something wonderful.
that's all for now! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 24th, 2004|12:11 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  relieved | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | well, mostly relieved | ] |
mom is okay. she made it through surgery this afternoon and she's apparently recovering well. i don't have any details yet but hope to have some soon.
still haven't been able to have an actual conversation with my cousin, though. |
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| waiting... |
[Jul. 23rd, 2004|01:17 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | WDUQ--news, jazz, and NPR | ] |
i'm waiting for a phone call from my dad to tell me things are ok with my mom. he should have called a while ago. on the other hand, i've had an entire pot of coffee and no food, so i could just be high.
still, i wish he would call.
i mean, i'm not terribly patient when my mother is conscious and healthy; how can anyone expect me to quietly bide the time away when I know that she's in surgery?
i'm typing too fast. i want a cigarette. but i'm not giving in--not to despair, not to nicotine.
i just need to wait. |
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| A response... |
[Jul. 22nd, 2004|01:13 pm] |
The following is in response to the most recent post in http://www.livejournal.com/users/kythrain/
I wasn't, but that's not the point. 98% have or do. Is it really fair to say that 98% of our children are criminals?
No.
Has the "War on Drugs" done any good for our country?
No.
Has it cost a lot in money, resources, energy, and lives?
Yes.
I'm proud of you, Tim, for your strength in avoidance of the teenage peer pressures that first lead people to try drugs. But the fact is that it's parenting and self-esteem that save kids. Not prohibition. |
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| here's the thing... |
[Jul. 22nd, 2004|12:57 pm] |
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It doesn't matter if you're right or wrong. It only matters that you think and feel and try to find truth. |
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| A Republican Today |
[Jul. 22nd, 2004|12:38 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Leah Andreone | ] |
To get my mind off my sorrow, I thought I'd get political for a moment.
A friend of mine sent this to me and I thought it was hysterical. As a registered republican who can't understand how the party went so VERY wrong, I feel that it is my duty to spread it around.
By the by, I welcome questions about how a hippie-witch-nature-lovin'-bisexual-non-capitalist-artist like myself came to register as a Republican in the first place, but I won't bore with the story of my idealism without first being asked.
"Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.
You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant." |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 22nd, 2004|12:29 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | disconsolate | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the servers | ] |
Tara may have cancer now too. I've just learned through a voicemail that she has to have a biopsy. I can barely see this screen through my tears. Please send your love and energy to my cousin. I cannot lose her. |
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amberlake's journal